I am plagued by conflicting emotions. I am angry and upset, and my brain can’t work out which. I am angry and I want to lash out, I am upset and I want reassurance, and to comfort you.
I looked for that reassurance this morning. Is it too much to expect a little support back from you, depressed or not?
I asked you if you wanted some space, should I go back to England for a few days, a little while? You shrugged your shoulders and said ‘I don’t know’. Wow, I thought. Not only can you not show your love for me anymore but you couldn’t care less if I was around. Anger.
After everything I’ve heard over the last few days and weeks was it really helpful for you to say that? After all the effort I have put in to suppress my emotions and carry on regardless of how much you hurt me, telling myself its not you but the depression talking. You could’t have lied, or dug deep and given me a small boost? ‘Please stay’. Two words. Who the hell do you think you are? You thing I’m going to stay around while you knock me down repeatedly, challenge me daily, and you don’t think twice about it? Think again. Selfish bastard.
This is not about me. This is not a battle. One of us will not win. This is about maintaining a supportive relationship, and I need to accept that you don’t know what you want right now.
I shouldn’t have asked you a question without being prepared to hear the wrong answer. That was unfair of me. But I am only human and I do need some reassurance from my partner.
Fast forward an hour.
You have managed to pick yourself up. You laughed with me a little. You hugged me, and told me that you feel happier for now.
You told me that you loved me.
It was finally explained to me, in your own words. You said ‘I do love you. It’s not always the same kind of love as I felt when we were first dating, but that’s okay. Things change. I want to be with you, but when I’m sad I can’t always see that. When I feel my worst I can’t feel anything other than sadness‘. You said ‘Please stay.’ I feel happy. I finally heard the words that I needed to hear so badly. That our relationship is not at breaking point.
I can keep going now. You fell quite quickly back into your shell but that’s okay. Today I saw an improvement that I thought wouldn’t come for weeks, months even. You understood what I needed from you and you fought to give it to me.
I take your honesty as a sign of love.
We can fight this again now. I have renewed energy and I wont give up.