Letter Seven.

Dear M,

It has been a while since I last wrote to you. Writing seems all the more appropriate right now as we are apart. Though thank goodness it’s not through choice.

I miss you so very much, the thought of talking to you on the phone everyday is what keeps me going. I save up things in my mind to tell you. All happy things of course! Space is most definitely not the route we should be taking to better our relationship or your depression.

I am proud of you for going to your doctors appointment like you promised, but angry that you are being brushed off (although I suspect that this is partly due to your silence and reluctance to discuss your pain). I will help you with this when I get home, if you’d like.

Happy St. Patricks Day for yesterday. I remember last years in Belfast, surprisingly! Next year lets have another great one.

Do you remember when someone asked us if we saw many leprechauns in Ireland? Oh boy. That was one of the funnier questions I’ve been asked in my life! Back then we laughed a lot. It’ll be like that again one day. I promise!

Love,

A

Letter Six.

Dear M,

I cant explain myself, I’m afraid, sir, because I am not myself, you see.’

– Alice, Alice in Wonderland

We went for a long walk last night through the park, as the sun was setting and it was really pretty. I love that park with the Alice in Wonderland carvings everywhere, it’s a bit like being in a story book and the walk helped you I think. I chatted to you like old times, and you laughed and smiled at how excited I got telling you about all the new things I have planned for my life in this new town.

I no longer ask you how you’re feeling as much, I don’t want to remind you of the sad feelings and I don’t want depression to be the focal point of our relationship. Just some kind words every so often were enough yesterday.

I find myself on edge trying to gage your emotions sometimes, I don’t trust this happiness, but I will not sabotage it with my over analysing. I need to remember that everyone feels a range of emotions, a bad mood does not mean depression. But I also know you can smile through depression. I still feel fragile after your words that hurt me so much.

I will continue to support you. I am proud at the effort you are making, the changes you have made already and the more that you have planned. It makes me happy to see you taking care of yourself.

Carry on.

Here’s to many more good days, and long walks together.

Love,

A


Letter Five.

Dear M,

The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion.The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.

– Tenzin Gyatso (the 14th Dalia Lama)

Maybe this is why I feel so good today. I am taking better care of me and therefore us. You said to me on Saturday after spending a few hours outside that you felt the sunshine helped you feel less depresed. I am glad you finally understand my nagging to get you out of the house! You want to go for a walk this afternoon after work. Sounds like a great idea to me. You’ll listen to me yet, as you would say!

You are trying and I love you for it.

I was worried about going to visit your family yesterday, I hated the idea of putting on the ‘happy family’ act that I knew you would. I have wanted to talk to your Mum for a while now and ask her for advice – I feel that she would be the best person to give it. But, I knew that if I did that without your knowledge I risked damaging the trust that we have, and if you felt you couldn’t talk to me then you may not talk at all. So I kept quiet.

I knew that when she asked, work would be ‘the best’ despite the fact that you have actually been removed from the more complicated aspects of the job for two months, following the mistake you made last week. Harsh. I knew that we would be a happy couple, smiling and laughing and making the best bits of our life sound even more amazing and not mentioning the bad times that you have been going through.

But in reality, although we didn’t tell her anything, and I didn’t break the trust between us, it didn’t feel that forced. I was uncomfortable at times, watching how you handled the awkward questions that could have lead to the truth, but you didn’t seem to struggle. You glossed over things, but I could have sworn your smile was genuine.

I hope you aren’t glossing over things with me. You are a better actor than I would have imagined. I want to tell you that I’m tougher than I look, that I would rather hear the bad to get to the good, that you can tell me anything and that even if your words hurt me we can use your honesty to  move forward. Right now honesty is a sign of love.

I will wait and see. Keep talking to me and we will be fine.

I hope that smile of yours keeps coming back. It’s lovely.

Love,

A

Letter Four.

Dear M,

These days have been better. You seem much happier, and I am so so glad. A huge weight has been lifted from me. Despite us having bad news and bad luck day after day, you seem to be coping better. For a while I wondered if we were in some kind of sick reality TV show because everything that could go wrong did, it was almost comical. They say these things happen in three’s so I hope its over for us now, we deserve a break.

I worry that perhaps it is an act, I still see the sadness there, but I am glad that you are trying. Even if this is an act, you are trying so hard to save us and that means so much to me. This morning you text me that you loved me, no prompting from me, just out of the blue. I am happy with a text. Thank you.

A few days ago I was feeling guilty that when you went to work I felt relieved. It is so hard to be around someone who is in self-destruct, someone that you love so much but that breaks your heart on a daily basis through no fault of their own. You were draining me, and that time alone was a relief. The glass was not half empty, it was smashed on the floor.

Today I just miss you. This is a turning point, I can tell.

You are talking about the future more: plans for the summer; and you are thinking of the fun we’ve had in the past too. I know we can get back to where we came from. I want my happy ending. And I’m not going to settle for anything less.

Love,

A

 

Letter Three.

Dear M,

I am plagued by conflicting emotions. I am angry and upset, and my brain can’t work out which. I am angry and I want to lash out, I am upset and I want reassurance, and to comfort you.

I looked for that reassurance this morning. Is it too much to expect a little support back from you, depressed or not?

I asked you if you wanted some space, should I go back to England for a few days, a little while? You shrugged your shoulders and said ‘I don’t know’. Wow, I thought. Not only can you not show your love for me anymore but you couldn’t care less if I was around. Anger.

After everything I’ve heard over the last few days and weeks was it really helpful for you to say that? After all the effort I have put in to suppress my emotions and carry on regardless of how much you hurt me, telling myself its not you but the depression talking. You could’t have lied, or dug deep and given me a small boost? ‘Please stay’. Two words. Who the hell do you think you are? You thing I’m going to stay around while you knock me down repeatedly, challenge me daily, and you don’t think twice about it? Think again. Selfish bastard.

Stop.

This is not about me. This is not a battle. One of us will not win. This is about maintaining a supportive relationship, and I need to accept that you don’t know what you want right now.

I shouldn’t have asked you a question without being prepared to hear the wrong answer. That was unfair of me. But I am only human and I do need some reassurance from my partner.

Fast forward an hour.

You have managed to pick yourself up. You laughed with me a little. You hugged me, and told me that you feel happier for now.

You told me that you loved me.

It was finally explained to me, in your own words. You said ‘I do love you. It’s not always the same kind of love as I felt when we were first dating, but that’s okay. Things change. I want to be with you, but when I’m sad I can’t always see that. When I feel my worst I can’t feel anything other than sadness‘. You said ‘Please stay.’ I feel happy. I finally heard the words that I needed to hear so badly. That our relationship is not at breaking point.

I can keep going now. You fell quite quickly back into your shell but that’s okay. Today I saw an improvement that I thought wouldn’t come for weeks, months even. You understood what I needed from you and you fought to give it to me.

I take your honesty as a sign of love.

We can fight this again now. I have renewed energy and I wont give up.

Love,

A

Letter Two.

Dear M,

Yesterday you told me that you had made a huge mistake at work. Your boss wants to have a meeting with you about it. My heart sunk. Though honestly I’m not surprised. Everything is hard for you right now. Understandable.

This is your dream job, six months ago when you when you were offered the job I don’t think I had ever seen you so happy. It sure is an improvement over the dead end job you were in before. But even through the hell that was that job we were happy, you were happy.

What a difference a few months makes. Or even a week, for that matter.

You are more than capable of doing this job, it’s what you’ve worked so hard for years to achieve, and before this mistake you had already been spotted for promotions. Everyone is so very proud of you. You were proud of you. I hope they aren’t too hard on you, it worries me to think that you could be made to feel worse about yourself than you already do right now.

I hope that you can be strong through this depression. That it wont effect your working life too much. I don’t want you to be let with any lasting damage to your future. Before this terrible sadness hit you never once complained about work, you looked forward to going. This makes me even more aware of the change in you.

I have never known you to sleep so fitfully, cry so much, and be so vacant.

I hate this depression and how I don’t recognise you anymore.

Sometimes I look into your eyes, see the sadness and wonder if you really can ever love me again. You tell me I’m amazing, and that you’re sorry. Please stop. I’m not amazing. I’m struggling. I am trying to build a network of support around myself to help me through this but even that is not enough. I am desperately sad today.

I miss you. Please hurry back.

Love,

A